Thank you all for the support, It means a lot to me at this point. The shaky support system I had built since the divorce 3 years ago has pretty much collapsed. I understand that others who have not been down this road cannot possibly understand how much a relationship with an A can wreck you. My relationship lasted almost 20 years....that's a lot of history to let go of and come to terms with.
This latest thing with my son has brought back a lot of resentments, Im feeling lot of the old blame and guilt that I worked hard to move past.
I know its a screwed up way to look at things and most of the time Im not dwelling on it anymore but right now, in the middle of all of this with my son, I am feeling the old "how has he just moved on and made this happy little life for himself while we are left to suffer and struggle?"....we were not the alcoholics, myself and my boys have had a hard row since the split. He seems to have moved on without much thought and is happy. He raised my older sons as his own for almost 20 yrs but hasn't spoke to them in 5 years.
I struggle with the history and life we had, and the way it is now. such a harsh contrast. I sometimes wonder if someone had sat down with me and showed me a video of how life for myself and my sons would play out since the day I left, would I still leave? I really don't know....