I'm sorry for your pain, irisgardens.
I felt I could have written much of your post, too. I suspect many here will relate to it.
I wish I could say I have an answer but I, too, work and work and work at this finding peace in the face of their insanity, and it seems it's going to be a weekly struggle if not daily.
Every time I think I've managed to come to some peace with the way things are, it seems they find a way to dig in deeper. Now, during holidays, I'm having to cope once again with the fact that my 'family' has entirely sided with XH. The man lied to me, cheated on me, dug us 10s of 1000s of $ into debt with no explanation where the money went, I was scrambling to work more and more hours, which meant missing my children's lives, finally realized I couldn't keep up with his spending no matter what I did, and then he stole money from me--a couple of thousand in a month. He's also telling blatant lies about me, which affect people's belief about my character.
Mother wounds...yeah it's great to find out years later that your mother would say negative things about you even to your own friends every time you left the room while you were in school.
And my family...drum roll...is telling people I make things up and now they and he celebrate Thanksgiving and holidays together and my kids head on over where they can be with everyone.
Yes, it's very hard to get over it and move on when I'm still paying the price every day, because the ugly --and untrue--things she has said about me for years have people believing these things and treating me as if I actually am that person. In short, she's made it difficult if not impossible for me to have good relationships with my siblings and extended family and now it's impacting my kids, too.