Perfectionism
One of the symptoms of my disease of living with alcoholism most of my life is that I am a perfectionist. I take things too personally and I totally can't handle criticism. It's like my brain is wired to hear everything being said to me with a hearing problem where all I hear is criticism attacking me and attacking my character.
I am once again working through my steps and I see these patterns emerging where I know I have a very thin outer shell and I'm extremely sensitive to others and how they perceive me. Basically, I feel like I must be liked be nearly everybody. I know that's not possible in reality, but I know that it's deep seated in my psyche after all I've been through with my dad and my ex.
My bf and I were talking about it this AM because he's the exact opposite. He is the youngest of 5 and can't care less what people think of him. He's got a very tough outer shell and inner shell, as well. We were discussing birth order and how he feels like I got the trifecta when it comes to my inclination to be liked and to be perfect all the time. Alcoholic father, first born, and alcoholic marriage to an abusive jerk. Hmmm, all things fall into place and here I sit being told by my bf that he sees that in me and that knows why I struggle with handling criticism and that he hates seeing me be so hard on myself. He's always telling me that it's OK to make mistakes but, my internal voice and natural default is to say, "No, no, it's not ok! I won't be accepted for who I am if I'm not perfect." Funny, but sometimes this guy sees right through me with his intuitive thinking and perceptions and it drives me crazy. Because he's right.
And, that's the kicker of it all. I know I've had my struggles in accepting who he is and some communication issues we've had, but I have to admit that I'm still working on being emotionally healthy myself. I can only work on ME and I can only fix my side of the street. My new job will require me to be tougher on the outside and to handle rejection better. I will have to learn to let other people be right (you know, because i'm usually right all the time, LOL) and I know I will have a long road ahead of me to success in my career.
Working the steps has helped me in the past but I'm looking to expand my approach. What has helped you get over your need and inner desire to be perfect? To have acceptance and love from everyone and to be liked all the time?