I could have written your post when I first joined this forum.
First month I stayed sober / went teetotal /was on the waggon / didn't drink. Managed it but realky struggled. A month in I finally went to an AA meeting. I kind of hoped they were going to laugh and say of course I wasn't an alcoholic and send me on my way with some nice info about how I could learn to cut down and drink like a normal person. What actually happened was that as I say and listened to the other people's experiences, how they felt, how they'd dealt with 'stuff' in the past, how the person inside wasn't the same person they'd projected on the outside, that they had carried so many deep and dark feelings (guilt, shame, resentment, anger) for years and years, and that they felt like no one ever really 'got' them and they felt kind of separate from others and lonely even when surrounded busy other people. ... etc. etc. Because alcoholism isn't actually just about our drinking. The drinking is a symptom of our alcoholic thinking. You don't need to have lost everything, or be drinking at breakfast time, or have a rope round your waist, or drink on benches, etc to be an alcoholic. I didn't drink every day, but when I did drink, all bets were off as I could not say that I would be able to stop when I intended to stop. When I drank I felt like a different person. As someone else said (can't remember who) I felt 'witter, prettier, and tittier!'
I'd suggest going along to an Open meeting. Maybe even a ladies only one if you're worried. Open meetings are for both alcoholics and people who have an interest in the subject (Sometimes people like yourself who aren't sure yet, and sometimes family or friends of alcoholics ). It's also worth reading around the subject. I found the books
Monkey on My Shoulder and
Living Sober really helpful at first. I got both from Amazon UK for my Kindle and they were cheap as chips.
You can use the AA meeting finder online to locate an Open meeting near you, searching by postcode...
Find a Meeting | AA Meetings | Alcoholics Anonymous (Great Britain) Ltd
In the meantime, keep reading and posting on here. There are some amazing people on this site who I'll be grateful to for always. Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB