Dandylion,
I'm named after my mom, who passed 21 years ago - so I too love my name!
Your post is beautiful and you clearly understand....
I was/am naive in that I did not imagine this would be so unsettling and yes, I would only admit to my best friend (and here) that possibly it was easier when he drank. He was a HFA who never got drunk. He was diagnosed with cirrhosis almost 3 years ago and hid his drinking from all until his doctor told me to get a breathalyzer. For decades, he consumed beer after beer after beer with no change except he would emotionally check out - now he's physically checked out. I do understand dynamics need to change. I just need to do a little more changing myself to protect and nurture myself so I am able to remain in healthy place for both my children and self.
Your words and thoughts and time to write in such a profound way are appreciated more than this simple reply can demonstrate.
Thank you...