Im not judged by what I think, feel or would LIKE to do, just on what I do.
So as far as I can see, you have not done anything to kick yourself about. Accept that your imperfect, human and have the same thoughts we all do.
And, yes, it does sound a bit like bi-polar. Sadly, the antid's dont treat that, and the drinking kinda washes out the effect of the meds anyhow.
Keep the focus on you!! You did just fine!