Welcome,
I can relate to your story. I wanted drinking to be a casual thing and to enjoy it like others. I just could never control it. I always wanting more when others seemed okay with one or two.
I spent a lot of time trying to manage my drinking, aka drink like a normal person. The negatives finally took over and there were no positives left to drinking.
I was able to stop when I accepted that I would never be a moderate drinker. I can hear in your words that you're at that point too.