Originally Posted by JennyK
I had to bite my tongue over and over and over again just to keep myself shut up.
Oh, how I can relate!
Originally Posted by JennyK
It just kills me that my first reaction tonight was all the things that I KNOW not to do... Good for me for NOT doing them, but still, why are they so close to the surface as my primary response? I hate that.
When I came into recovery, I had 26 years of practice in my unhealthy, reactive behaviors. Those learned behaviors became second-nature to me and were basically automatic. After years in recovery they're still there, only less pronounced and easier to see coming so they can be avoided. Today I know I have choices about whether I react... or respond.
My sponsor told me that my character defects are never actually "removed", but merely "moved" so that they're no longer directly in front of me and constantly in my way. I guess that, rather than "removed", they've been "reduced". Today, that's good enough. If someday---by some miracle---they're gone, that'll be even better!
I hope that you won't beat yourself up for having a human moment...