Welcome to SR. I could have written your post myself, especialy the struggling with life and wanting to 'check out'. Being a similar age, I can very much relate to your post. It's about accepting that we just can't have that one drink, because it always leads to more, and even if it doesn't you still 'want' it. The constant battle is exhausting so I know how you feel.
I know now for me the only option is complete abstinence.