Thanks for all the love y'all.
I've said it before, I wouldn't wish any of my discomforts on anyone, but it sure is soothing to hear I'm not alone and that others experience very similar sensations. Money problems, being in recovery, all of it. I'm very thankful for your empathy.
Tonight a friend of mine offered me something for my anxiety. A prescription pill I hadn't heard of. Perhaps something new. I'm out of the loop you see, because I had a bad problem with pills when I was younger. I had to explain to her that even if this pill didn't get me high (as she claimed it wouldn't), if it offered me any relief it would open the floodgates to ALL the pretty white tablets under the sun. Because that's how my brain works. And I asked her to please never ever offer me anything ever again, and I told her I was intensely uncomfortable, and I explained to her that even if I had surgery and needed pain medication that I'd have to also enter a program to help me cope with that and that I'd need to be in touch with an addiction counselor to help me stay ahead of the pills. After all that she finally backed off.
I actually do feel fortunate that I am forced to cope with things in a raw manner and find real solutions cognitively and emotionally. I'm glad that it would take a village at this point to decide if it's ok for me to take medication. I feel confident that I'd be an excellent person to have on your side during a zombie apocalypse because my survival mechanisms have been so well practiced.