Hello Everybody
Hi everyone,
Not sure if you remember me but I found myself on this site yesterday wanting to read my old posts to see where I was at last year at this time and then I got caught up reading a 6 page story by seekingclarity (I think that is her username) but the story drops off at a crucial point, she has a game plan to leave but I think she changes her mind or something - she confided in her neighbor.... And I searched for posts from her after that but I couldn't find anything. I certainly hope she is ok. I'm kind of worried. And I saw soo much of myself in her story.
As I read her story, I saw all of you old timers chiming in -still as smart as ever, still as caring as ever - I can only take this site in periodic doses because you are all way too smart and nothing gets passed most of you and its hard to hear the truth sometimes.
Anyway, I thought I would update all of you on where I'm at in my life.
Since last year I have made great strides. I'm a recruiter and I work on commission and I did really well last year. I was able to buy a new car, and in May I bought my own house. I'm a homeowner. That is a good feeling.
I put on a decent amount of weight through my hell and in June for my birthday, and with my parents help, I treated myself to a personal trainer for 12 weeks (that ended in September) and I got great results.
It is a little over 2 years that I left (and you guys walked me through much of the process) and I am very used to my life and how things are. I don't cry very much, I don't have psychotic meltdowns at all, I am off all medications. I used to be on anti depressants and zanax and ambien, but as of about 6 months ago, I am off of everything.
I am not in a mental hell anymore, I'm not twisted up in all kinds of thoughts, I'm not obsessing really, I rarely have anxiety.
The things I worry about now are being so tired, having little patience for my kids (8 and 4) and wishing I had more to give them both, wishing there was more time, that I didn't get home at 6 pm every night, feeling like I'm not doing enough. Normal mom-guilt. That's really the extent of my stress.
When I was reading all of my posts, some of them I could barely even follow, and some of them, god, I was so obsessed with what my ex was doing, saying, not doing, not saying. I went back and forth and ping ponged all over the place, analyzing everything and hanging on to different things he said or didn't say or should have said. I was completely consumed with him.
I went through a "Ok so I left, now why do I feel so empty and sad" (talk about being hard on myself- I think I posted that all of 10 months of being gone) I went through a very hateful phase, where I literally hated my ex in an almost dangerous way. My hate scared me. I don't feel that way anymore.
I went through a "why" phase. I guess I just couldn't accept what happened. I needed to figure it out, I wanted to back track and make sense of it, the more I tried the more frustrated I became. I remember wondering "what does this say about ME?" It says nothing really.
I'm not like, "happy" or anything, geez lets not get crazy, but I have peace. I have a sense of peace that you just cannot put a price on. I still have great stress and everyday life things, but I have peace.
It's hard being a single mom. Its getting harder as they get older and I get lonely with that. I wonder if I'll ever meet someone, when I will meet someone, I wonder when I will be in love again, but I don't obsess over it. I'm too busy.
Anyway, for the first good year and a half, I was a DISASTER. A FREAKING DISASTER and a part of me thinks that no matter how hard you try to not be, it's just something you have to go through, you just have to be a surviving disaster.
Sometimes I wouldn't even notice that a phase was over. Something would spark a memory and I'd say - Oh wow, I don't want to set my ex on fire anymore. Huh.. look at that, the anger subsided.
It's like the phases just kind of evaporated...
I do struggle with thinking the ex and I are going to be a modern divorced family. It was just about a month ago that I realized that is never going to happen. I realized that for 7 years I had an image of a husband that was never going to be and now for 2 1/2 years I am yet again trying to make him into a cool modern divorced guy. Like we were going to be friends. I actually at some point thought he would celebrate the holidays with us, I would have him over and we would just be cool.
Yea, that's never going to happen.
So anyway, that's what I've been up to. My life is good. I am blessed. My kids are happy and thriving. I have settled into myself and my life.
I don't for one moment regret leaving. Not for a second. My hope is that my kids grow up ok and that I am giving them enough of what they need emotionally. That is really my only concern.
I hope you are all doing well. and by the way, I looked for Butterfly also and don't see her anywhere. Does anyone know how she is doing??