smlg10

I am not sure where to start as I have been mostly a lurker for over a year but hoping that writing this will help me in some way. In the last 15 months, my husband of 17 years has been to detox, done an IOP and spent 38 days at an inpatient treatment facility while I have attempted to take care of 4 kids, not lose our house, keep them in their school, keep a business afloat, lost a father to liver cancer and took on another fulltime contract role. He has been back from rehab for just over 2 months and basically has been lying and drinking the entire time save a few days 4 weeks ago when he begged for another chance and said if he lied to me again I should divorce him. Needless to say, he quickly resumed his lying and drinking and I have decided to move forward with saving myself from this life.

I intended to keep my mouth shut until I was 100% ready but completely lost it today after a weekend of insane hidden drinking and him driving one of my kids after I had arranged a ride to/from his game. I had been monitoring his “stash” (and yes, I have been told multiple times how I am “crazy town” for looking when suspicious and wish I could not worry about it but I have to protect 4 kids) so I know at a minimum how much vodka and wine he consumed and then drove my child so I told him if he ever put a child in the car again I would call the police myself on him. He knows that I am now serious about following through on my promise that I will not live with an active alcoholic. He doesn’t work (except on paper as an owner, has no recovery plan (or wasn’t interested in following the one he left rehab with), has decided AA isn’t for him and I do not think I can ever trust him again after so many lies and deceit. I am financially devastated, emotionally devastated and tired of this chaos.

After realizing I am serious, I have been told that I will do irreparable damage to the kids, he has nothing to live for without me and the kids, he is much better than he was and this is not a linear process, he will never be in the same room with me again if I choose to leave him, this isn’t fair, he took his marriage vows seriously etc.

I have found bottles in my child’s carseat, under the tub, in the pool equipment, in the bushes, under tubs, in toys, in shoes, my 5 year old daughter brought me an empty bottle while we were putting up the Christmas tree that was in the light container, and the list goes on as you all know. When she was 4, she walked over to a corner in the yard and said “this is where daddy hides his wine”. Prior to leaving for rehab when I had told him he had to leave the house, he and his mother got into an almost violent altercation and my MIL almost called 911 on him while all 4 kids watched in horror screaming in fear and my daughter still asks “how to make it leave her brain.” My 14 year old is the only one that sees that he is drinking post rehab (they were unaware that alcohol was his issue prior to rehab because all his drinking is done in hiding) and I watch his face drop when his father “disappears” or can’t be found in the house. He has said he has given up all hope for his dad to get better.

I am barely touching the surface on stories (as you all must have as well) so why I am I doubting myself and feeling horrible with guilt and abandonment? I know I need to protect my kids and they do love their dad very much (and I do not want that to change) but I am supposed to live in this hell forever? I deserve better. It pains me to see him as sad and depressed as he is but I cannot save him. I feel the “cant live threats” are manipulation (he admitted previous threats were when he was in rehab) but will I ever forgive myself if he harms himself? I do know that if something happens to my kids and I sit back and allow it to happen, then I will never, ever forgive myself. He claims to take responsibility for his actions but it always comes back to me and the state of our relationship.

I have spent countless sleepless hours on SR and appreciate all the stories of strength and advice and know they have helped me through many nights. Thanks for reading my unplanned vent/novel.