confused0507

It's been two weeks since my wife and I told our children we are getting a divorce. They handled it surprisingly well, considering. Though it seems "easier" for them two weeks out, it definitely has not been for me.

My wife has been an alcoholic/addict for 7 years of our 13 year marriage, me only finding out 5 years ago after her hiding it very well from 2009-2011. She has been in the ICU three times and to rehab twice. Each time she was drinking or abusing medication, she would become withdrawn for days at a time from work, friends and family. She has drove our kids in the car while under the influence of medication or alcohol a couple of times, and missed countless sports practices/games.

I have grown severely tired of the behaviors and the constant promises that came when I would confront her of the behavior. The thing that hurt me the most, however, is the constant excuse she used for drinking/abusing medication. It was because of me, and my "controlling behavior", or my "parenting style", or a list of any other 3 or 4 things. For the longest time, I was the "reason" she did what she did.

She went to rehab in 2011 for alcoholism after being admitted to ICU for a BAC of 4 times the legal limit, and came home, relapsed twice and then everything was fine for about a year and a couple of months or so; this was when I found out about her addictions. Then in 2013, she began abusing Xanax, pain medication, and sleep medication. Her reason then was some me, but she began to utilize her family, work, and life in general as well. She then entered rehab in 2013, and once again, when she went in, it was me that was the cause. This time, she had went to the ICU after downing a pint of vodka and told the ER she had wanted to end her life, her BAC was about 4-5 times the legal limit. I had told her before she left that I was going to be seeking divorce because I could not handle it anymore. The kids were seeing this behavior, and I didn't want them to think that it was ok, and I was essentially a single parent for a long time when this behavior would come up; my mind was very fried. While she was gone the second time, I was unfaithful. I regret this the most.

Once she was back, we decided to work on our marriage and moved forward. Things were great. It felt as though we turned the corner, finally. Then, 3 months later, the weekend of July 8th-10th came. When she would drink or abuse medication, her behavior and demeanor changed. This is what I noticed that weekend. Not as severe, but nonetheless, after 7 years of these same behaviors and the driving force behind them, I could tell. I confronted her about it, and she denied it until the end. In the end it passed and we moved on, the kids were not with us, they were staying with her sister for a week. Then the weekend of August 5th-7th came. This time, it was a bit worse. She went to bed immediately after work that Friday, and stayed in bed all day Saturday. We she would very occasionally get up to use the bathroom or attempt to communicate with me or the kids, it was glassy eyes, slurred words and her balance was off. That Sunday, she got up around 11 in the morning, with the same behaviors, and sat/slept on the couch all day, in front of the kids. From then on, every other weekend (on average), she would exhibit the same behaviors, getting worse each time. There were 2 instances of me being out of the house and her being here with them at bedtime that she did some way out of the ordinary things that she doesn't recall. One was going to tell the kids goodnight and falling across the foot of my 11 year old daughters bed and falling asleep and she could not be woke up, even after I got home, an hour and a half later.

Around mid October, we had a talk about why I wasn't really speaking to her, and I had told her my concerns, to which she again denied anything going on. I could not bring myself to talk to her really other than being civil for our kids until I had decided this is not the life I wanted to live on Tuesday, November 15th. I told her and it was decided we needed to tell the kids sooner, rather than later. She left work early the next day and missed a half a day, she then missed work the entire next day, and then went to work but came home and immediately went to bed the next day. The day she missed entirely , Thursday 17th, I had to be in Wichita, KS for training early that day, so she got the kids to school and my daughter had texted me that she was acting funny. I was getting back a little later than they needed to be picked up, so she went to pick them up, and again my daughter said she was acting even weirder and that it was embarrassing (as I found out later, she doesn't recall this). Saturday was all day basketball games. Finally on Sunday, I told her we needed to tell them. She responded by stating we couldn't tell them on a school night and right before Thanksgiving, and that she wanted to wait until after Thanksgiving (she had decided that she was going to our hometown alone with them, because she didn't want me to go). After talking about it more, and her being out of the house for 20 minutes to clear her head, we decided to go ahead and tell them that same Sunday, and so we did. In the process of telling them, two things were done that I felt were out of line by her. I was trying to explain that this was not because of anything the children did, but it was all dad and mom. She interrupted by saying, "No, this is all MOMMY, nothing to do with daddy." By this time, those same behaviors were back. The other was when my son asked us to give him a good reason why we couldn't work it out. I explained that it was more complicated than that and it was a combination of allot of things. She then interrupted again and said, "You know how MOMMY is an alcoholic. Well some people can be with and alcoholic and support them, and some people can't." I was infuriated. Nonetheless, once we were finished with explaining what was to happen, me and my daughter were watching football, and my son was in his room. She had went into his room and was putting him to bed, an hour before usual. After she left his room, I went and asked him why he wanted to go to bed and he said that mom said he had to. I asked her, and she said he wanted to. Then as I went and was talking with my son, she did the same with my daughter with the same, she told her to go to bed, but then denied that to me.

Monday came and she missed work again, as she did Tuesday and Wednesday. I came home Wednesday early, because my kids were home all day with her, and were uncomfortable with her because she was acting weird. She was insistent on driving them three hours that night to our hometown for Thanksgiving. I told her that she would not be driving them because of her appearing intoxicated, and that I would meet her parents half way to pick up all three of them. She argued until the end, and her mom decided to drive all the way here to get them all. She got mad at that arrangement and told both her mom and I that if that happened, she would go out and get drunk. I took her keys and held on to them. About 20 minutes later, she wanted to go to an AA meeting, and I stupidly gave her the keys, and instead, she went out and bought a pint of vodka and drank it in her car on our street, and then came in and passed out in our bed. Once her mom, and her sister, got here, they could not get her to respond, so we took her to the ER and it was discovered that she had a BAC of 5-6 times the legal limit. This told me, she most likely was drinking during the day at some point with my kids at home alone with her. By this time, my kids were afraid of her and mad at her as well. The next morning my MIL and SIL left with the kids to go to Thanksgiving. My wife called me at about 9:45 and asked if I could come and get her, to which I told her no. The entire time she was trying to get me to come get her, it was all about her; how am I suppose to get home, how am I suppose to get in the house if you aren't leaving me my house keys (I told her she didn't live here anymore), how am I suppose to go anywhere without my car keys (I took them because the timeframe of her going into the ER with a BAC of 5-6 times the legal limit and getting discharged was only 6 hours), how am I suppose to buy anything if you didn't leave my check card (I took it because she wasn't going to be driving anywhere, the house was stocked with food and water, and I didn't want her to go out and try to overdraw the checking so I couldn't pay bills, which she has done in the past). Sunday after Thanksgiving came and me and her mom met at my house and tried to convince her to go home with her mom to get clean and sober, and she would not. So I packed me and the kids up and left to my dad's house with them in tow.

I have hired an attorney and things are in motion for the divorce, and I have asked for full custody and also supervised visitation with the kids until she completes rehab and shows proof that she is clean and sober. She has seemed to be this last week, however, that is not enough right now.

Even though I feel I have grown since all this has started, my biggest hang up is my feeling of guilt. I have been to Al-Anon, but I didn't feel like I fit in after going for a couple of months, so I quit going. For years I could have left and I did not. I have just reached my end, and know that this is not what I want for the rest of my life. She has told friends this week that she cannot stay married to me and stay sober. I am not sure what to make of that, but it sounds as if she is back to blaming me again for her alcoholism and addiction. She is out of the house, and me and the kids are back in it. I have changed the locks. Why do I have the massive feeling of guilt, and that I am abandoning her and like I am the one giving up?
Sorry for the lengthy post.......