olow's post about 50th birthdays made me remember something similar. It was December 2008, AH’s birthday, and he had come downstairs from his model airplane building studio clearly drunk. There had been occasional issues before this and I was beginning to feel that there was a problem. I was frightened and angry. We argued about something and that resulted in him storming back upstairs. It was snowing out. I looked at the nice dinner I’d made for us for his birthday and packed it up for the fridge; clearly it wasn’t getting eaten that night.
I went out to shovel snow, crying the whole time. I’ve got a long driveway as well as sidewalk, steps, and deck to shovel, so I was out there a while. I will never forget this—the dark, the cold air on my face, the falling snow, the sound of the shovel rhythmically rasping on the gravel of the drive, the shadow of the pine trees and the circle of brightness from the yard light. I felt anger, fear and despair, but mostly fear. I remember so clearly thinking “I’m 48 years old. I DO NOT want to be starting over at nearly 50.”
When I got done, I went upstairs to check on AH. He was sleeping on the floor next to the heater, covered w/a sleeping bag. I apologized (yes, you’ve all been there, right?) and tried to get him to come downstairs to bed. Nope, he refused. Why would he want to come down and spend the night w/such a bitch as me? Crying again, I went downstairs to doze on and off for the remainder of the restless night. Thank heavens for my dog friends...
The rest is history—4 years of him pretending to go to meetings while continuing to drink, just hiding it better and me doing nothing for myself, pinning all my hopes on HIS "recovery." Big, big mistake on my part. I washed up on the shores of SR in March of 2013, we separated 2 years later and divorced 3 months after that.
My reluctance to “start over” at 48 meant I started over at 55 instead. I sometimes wonder how different my life would be if I'd had the knowledge, the courage and the support to take the actions back then that I should have, but it was the way it was and I am where I am. I take it as it comes...
You’ve got the means to open a door to a life that’s so much better you won’t believe it when it happens. Muster up your courage, take hold of the handle, and walk on through!