Not sure that sobriety is doing me much good
Hi everyone. It's been a very long time since I've posted on here, and a lot of you probably remember me from various Classes. I was both overwhelmed and apathetic at the same time regarding SR as a resource this latest time that I got sober... My anxiety was horrific for the first several months. It still is really awful at times. So, I ended up just closing the book on SR for then.
I am back now because I just feel like I want to relapse.
I have been sober now for over six months (194 days), which is the longest I've gone without a drink since starting to drink heavily about five or six years ago. Unfortunately, I feel like my quality of life has only gotten worse since.
I have not had any positive changes in my energy levels. In fact, my energy is much worse. I haven't had the drive or energy to organize or clean my apartment this entire time. It is a chaotic place right now.
I have continued to have digestive issues, which almost seem to be more frequent. They initially got better for the first month or two, but that changed.
I have had much worsened depression, and MUCH worsened anxiety.
I don't really look forward to anything, and neither old nor new activities really interest me. I don't care about doing things or seeing people like I used to. I don't get excited about things like I used to.
I generally just feel an awful and gut-twisting juxtaposition of anxiety and apathy all of the time. I am not happy.
In retrospect, I got along much better when drinking if considering my general mood and quality of life. There were worse things and better things, but that's the overarching take-away I have had.
Whenever I wish I could have a drink for whatever reason, I know that I would just end up cycling down the same thought process and experiences and end up back at that moment, and then over again, so I haven't. I got sober for a reason, so I have remained that way.
But, it's been awful. Not awful insofar as cravings or self-discipline or anything like that...but awful insofar as the excitement and energy of life that I had is just gone. I am not happy. I am apathetic and tired and rather miserable.
I'm not sure why I keep continuing sobriety when it feels more negative than positive. I'm just really sick of feeling so crappy and not looking forward to anything.
Just wanted to get my thoughts out there.