Originally Posted by
thomas11 
Hi storminormi, First, I'm sorry to hear about the losses of your parents, sibling and only child.
My life was quite similar to yours. I was a landscape contractor, and I was plugging away, and I guess my only goal was basically the same as yours....be a better person. But what does that mean? I was rudderless, drinking way too much, but as long as we made ends meet, I saw no reason to change anything.
I don't know the answer to your question but I will share this. The only reason I have done what I have done is because I was forced to. Metaphorically they say you need to learn to walk before you run, I literally needed to learn to walk before I could do a damn thing. I guess I thought since I was starting from nothing with myself, I might as well overhaul my life. So I am.
I think its hard for guys like us, if things are going pretty well, why mess with the formula?
How ironic. I am also a landscaper.
I am female.
My initials are NAM ( not a man) LOL. I have always been mistaken for a male.
I went to a treatment centre 7 years ago which specialized in dual diagnosis patients.
I was drinking to drown my grief and had suicidal ideations.
It worked, btw
While there, a crack addicted violent intimidating fellow patient asked me if there was anything I was afraid of. (He had tried to scare the bejesus out of everyone, and I had stood up to him)
I said, Buddy- I have already walked through the valley of hell and nothing is going to take me back there.
Unfortunately, or fortunately ( depending on how you look at it) any experience in life after the death of a child is a cakewalk.
Bad health, loss of freedom, financial wellbeing, marriage, even death has not appeared to motivate me.
What has recently been working for me is love and kindness.
Feeling emotionally attached again.
I hadnt fully realized it; for the past eight years- I checked out emotionally.
A psychiatrist at the rehab centre told me I had inpenerable emotional defences.
I have prayed a lot for God to bring down these walls so that I would enjoy emotional attachment again in my life.
I suppose my prayers are being answered, brick by brick.
Thank you for your reply Jeff.
Love always wins.