smadams11

About 6 months ago I halved my alcohol intake. I went from 7 nights a week to 3 nights a week. You could say that's not good enough as I shouldn't be drinking at all. You could say I only halved my intake and that's nothing exciting.
But here's how I see it: I went from living for the drink, where alcohol was the be all and end all for me, to simply not living that way. That is a huge difference. Alcohol is no longer the centre of my world. It's like being on the edge of the crater rather than in the centre of it. Things are different here.

This is what I have noticed:

It wasn't that hard once I began to cut back. I found things to fill my time and I looked forward to the nights, not for drinking, but for games or jigsaws or reading or crosswords or just time alone. Once or twice, at the end of a stressful day, I have had thoughts of booze in the back of my mind, but there it stays. It has never come to the fore-front and declared itself. I have never got to the point of considering 'could I drink tonight?'.

I am alive. I completely forgot how vivid life is, how it felt to wake up refreshed in the mornings, how life isn't really one long haze, and now I remember because I am lucky enough to be living it again.

I have lost weight. Not through cutting back on booze, but through rediscovering my self-drive, my motivation, my confidence. I have lost a stone. I am proud of doing that as it shows I care about me again, it shows that I matter.

I am living. I never suffered hangovers, no sickness, no headaches, but I realise the impact beer had on me as I am no longer dragging myself out of bed every day, bleary eyed, furry tongued and grumpy arsed.

Life is long. I always felt life was long in a 'just get it over with' sort of way. It was too long for my liking. But I hated how it would be January again yet it felt like only a few weeks since last New Year. I hated how my kids grew up in front of me without me ever seeing them change. Now, the weeks move so slowly, I am living and breathing in every moment of it. I love how long it takes to move.

Life isn't all about the clock any more; staring at it and panicking if 7 o'clock comes and there is not yet a beer in my hand. Trying to hurry the kids to bed so I can begin drinking doesn't happen any more. Time is irrelevant, time is man-made, time is pointless, time is just time. Who cares what the clock says? I have nothing to rush for. I don't have hours of drinking to accommodate every night.

I enjoy life. Sure, I am tired as heck most of the time, but it's a pure tired rather than a morning-after-the-night-before tired. Yes, life is still stressful but I realise beer won't make it less so, I just need to relax.

Okay, rediscovering feelings, feeling feelings for the first time in years is really difficult, but it is helping me move on. I contacted the girl I bullied at school and apologised. She accepted my apology. It feels like atonement. I contacted my best childhood friend who I fell out with when I sent her cousin to jail for abusing me, I told her I missed her and was sorry she had been affected by what happened. She told me she missed me too and was sorry for what her cousin had done to me. We made up and are in contact now. These things used to play on my mind constantly. I couldn't move past them at all but now I have.

Now:
Here's what I am expecting to hear from you guys:

'If you are managing to control your drinking, you weren't an alcoholic in the first place.'

'It's impossible to cut down.'

'It won't last.'

'If you haven't given up completely then you are still an alcoholic.'


You may have more.

This is what I say to you:

I was an alcoholic. I couldn't keep away from it. For years it dominated my life. I loved drinking (and still do). I did desperate things to get my hands on it, including hurting those I loved. I did ridiculous, embarrassing things when drunk, I had blackouts, I felt constant shame and still I kept drinking. So, yes, I was an alcoholic. I know I was.

I was an alcoholic and I have cut down, and stayed at that stage for 6 months. So I have every reason to believe that some people are able to simply cut down and control their drinking.

Maybe I am still an alcoholic since I haven't quit altogether. But I am okay with that. I don't want to quit altogether. I enjoy drinking and being drunk. Many people drink 3 nights a week and aren't considered alcoholics. As long as I keep this up (or cut back further), I consider myself okay.

I didn't think this would last. I made plans all the time and didn't stick to them. But for this one I have. I am only 6 months in, I know. But I feel reborn and I won't give that up. I fully understand the gift of life again. These 6 months have been the longest of my life, for very good reasons.

Maybe it's not good enough for you guys. I have seen you tear people down for cutting back or 'deluding' themselves that they can control alcohol. All I want to say here is that it is possible. It is. I am doing it. If you want to bash me around the head for saying that, then go ahead, but I think people deserve to know that I am managing to control my intake and it is not an impossibility.

I am in no way trying to promote drinking or convince any one that they shouldn't be abstinent, nor am I attempting to show off at 'having the best of both worlds'. I am merely trying to tell this part of my story. It annoyed the heck out of me to read that I was a slave to alcohol and it had all the control. I am sure there must be some here who feel the same. I am here to say 'look, it is possible to be in control'. I feel people should be allowed to try it, at least, instead of being told to not bother as it's a waste of time and won't work. It is working for me. I used to be impressively drunk at this point in the night, but now I am comfortable enough with my progress to sit down and write about beer without it ever becoming a thought in my mind to get a beer, even though I have a case in the kitchen for the weekend. You may disagree but I would say I am in control here.

My last words are these: if it feels this good at half intake, what kind of heaven awaits at total sobriety? I may find out one day. And I can't wait.