Originally Posted by
SparkleKitty 
I wish I could ask my father that question. He stayed with my mother, and managed her alcoholism, for forty years, and when his eventually health failed him she was not capable of returning that care and attention, or to even express gratitude for all he had done for her. I wish I could ask him if it was worth it, if he got what he wanted, that if he'd known what he was in for if he would have left earlier.
For my father, "hope" was his only plan, "denial" his only support. It seems he was unable to look past the person he wanted my mother to be in order to see and accept the person she really was.
To answer that question, I have to reference SparkleKitty's quote, because I will have been married 40 years at the end of January to someone who has been chronically alcoholic except for 4 sober "Camelot" years between 2000-2004.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't married him--I try to imagine an "It's a Wonderful Life" scenario in reverse--what turns would my life have taken had I decided to NOT call my him after we broke up a month after we met. My mother was PRAYING TO GOD I didn't call him, but I did. After all, he's a great guy when he's sober (anyone ever hear that before?)
Instead of asking "do I regret marrying my AH" I think the question is, "do I regret not dealing with my own issues prior to meeting AH?" My father had died 4 years prior and I definitely had abandonment issues. My AH is like a clone of my father--any two-bit psychoanalyst could figure out the transference in my emotions. I should have gotten therapy after my father died. I truly believe my AH and I are soulmates in a certain way--the way in which two damaged people wind up finding each other.
There are a ton of silver linings--my kids are totally wonderful, awesome human beings whose DNA is both AHs and mine. We have some wonderful memories--and frankly most of them are from that 4-year window of sobriety. He is still the person I would want to most be with--if he's sober. That's a big "if"--it's an "if" that's taken me through infidelities and financial ruin and a life on the edge.
The older I get the more I see the regression of life in the way that SparkleKitty alludes to. I have to work harder to just stay afloat in my own identity. I have to work harder just to survive, to be honest. His dreams are still grandiose but he doesn't have the ability to achieve them--he often doesn't have the ability to wear clean clothes for a start. Three of our kids are coming out of the fog of "life is only normal if you're drinking"which has created rifts in our relationships.
I can't and won't answer the question about regret because I have the life I have chosen. I accept my life and am grateful for it. I do regret my enabling and denial because those are the things I have to answer for.
If I were counseling anyone else, I would say, if you have two feet, RUN from any delusions that a relationship with an alcoholic is going to be romantic, optimal, exceptional, grand or even OK in any way. Alcohol is a thief and will steal hopes, dreams, and sanity. Life with an alcoholic in general is volatile, unpredictable, soul-sucking, and thankless. My mental image of the worst parts of my life is me paddling a canoe like hell while he's relaxing in the back while the water pours in and meanwhile he's using the bail bucket as an ashtray. Ironically, the best parts are filled with laughter, joy and connection. The thing about alcoholism is, though, is that life with alcohol tends to be one step forward, two steps back until you wind up with a lot of lost ground. At the end of the day, who is going to have the fewest friends? Who is going to have the least financial security? Who is going to have the shakiest emotional grounding? The answer is, you and your alcoholic spouse.
So, I've gotten what I've asked for in many ways, but I'm convinced my life would not have been any different with anyone else unless I had learned to deal with my issues and take care of myself.. in 1974.