Thank you to all of you and all the awesome supportive words! You make me remember when I am feeling weak. Yesterday's meeting was great. It was in the basement of an old and stunningly beautiful church. Before the meeting I sat there and watched a choir practice. The sun was literally beaming through the stained glass. I lit a candle and prayed for him, and for me...for God to take him into his protection from me.
I then went home and packed a bag and headed to my parents whom are a good hour outside of the city. As soon as I got there it felt like a big warm blanket. I kept commenting on how festive it looked as my mom warmed me a meal and she said "I can tell you really miss home right now". She had no idea.
Today I got a phone call from him that he was in the hospital in detox for the next several days. His mother picked him up yesterday from the ex and drove him to the hospital in the burbs (again, another reminder that I was not the sole savior and he has support, AND, that if I had let him stay yesterday he'd be doing the same thing rather than being where he should be right now). He's only detoxed with me alone at my home and never in a hospital so this is truly the best place for him. I am at peace that he is safe, but I do not want to reintegrate myself. He had asked I please not see anyone that it would kill him. I laughed again and explained that the only one I'm going to be seeing is ME. And that like him, I needed to get better too on my own and he on his.
I am going to see my therapist tomorrow and she has been tremendous in working steps with me to finally close this. She left a message yesterday after noticing I have missed two weeks of my weekly appointments. She tends to always know when I've taken a step back and am too ashamed to see her when we get really close. I look forward to our meeting tomorrow...AND a good nights sleep with no worries for the week. At some point I will have to go back home, and I will need to stay strong so I can always have peace. - be it a protective order if not an understanding and acceptance from him that we will part.