Ouch. Just remembering some of my moderation experiments. It took me a while to realise that 'normal' drinkers don't ever feel the need to do this. It was hard to moderate for a month, but sometimes I'd manage it because I'd made some mental deal or another. That level of energy for a month was sustainable (just about) sometimes, but not as an ongoing thing. I really believed I could train myself to be a person who could be happy and content to moderate my drinking on a long term basis. I couldn't. I could moderate for a month, while thinking obsessively about alcohol. That was nowhere near the same as happy and content and long-term.
The only way I could get happy and content and long term was by stopping from trying to find easier softer ways (which were always anything BUT easier or softer in reality), and lean into my fear and come out of the denial that always led me back to drinking and an unmanageable life.
Hopefully your experience will be different.