I understand how you feel I had done very inappropriate and bad things while drunk or hangover. I actually only experience two states in my life for a long time crazy insane drinking behaviors and intense remorse and self loathing while hangover.
I agree that a lot of this is mostly speculation because you didn't have an affair and suicidal thoughts bear on unstable minds than on the rupture of a marriage(I think)
Now I believe you need to move on and forgive yourself and show some kindness towards you because if not this will get you drinking. From experience the more I loath myself because of past behaviors the more I drink. Best of luck and hugs 🤗