I'm back again.
So, so tired of waking up with feelings of guilt, an exhausted body and heart.
Each time I drink is a wasted hour, wasted day- nothing positive comes out of it- I end up eating too much, not taking care of myself, doing nothing but numbing the pain I feel inside.
I drank all day yesterday to cure my hangover from the night before. 2 bottles of wine which started at 10:30 in the morning. Something about that just isn't right.
I'm up now hoping to grab some peace before the kids are up (2 and 5). I have no concrete plans for today: maybe some pilates which is probably the only exercise my body can handle as it recovers, a few errands to run and I've gotta get all the fall/winter clothes organized as summer has just recently left us here in Florida. On my list is also to continue reading Rational Recovery- I want to fully try it as a way to recover without AA. If it doesn't help I will definitely look elsewhere for added support as it's obvious I can't do this alone.
I am numb. For a while I convinced myself that I don't have a drinking problem- forget the "A" word, I'm not even going there.
But the truth is, I'm a much better person when I'm sober. I'm more spiritual, more energized, more motivated, a better Mom and wife, a better me.
Doesn't that sound like enough to make a person quit?
2 events coming up this week that I need to plan for: Date night with hubby is on Friday. His idea of date night is dinner and lots of drinks. I need to find something for us to do where we can connect without booze (this is rare for us which has been part of the problem these 5 years we've been married.)
Having people over for dinner Saturday- this will be easy because they are not big drinkers. The only trigger will be if DH decides to drink. I wish he wouldn't. I wish he would support me, knowing how long I've struggled and how often I've tried to stop. I know it's not his fault and sometime soon I am going to have to accept the fact that he cannot support me in this and that is OK. I know I'll get there.
Anyway- I look foward to getting to know you all. I will check in if I'm feeling tempted. Today is the only day I worry about because I usually drink to get over the way I feel from drinking the day before (because that makes a lot of sense.) But I do have a lot to do and I need to be on the road at 7 am tomorrow for work so it would be best to keep myself sober and focused on the positive.
I have so many things I want to change about my life, so many dreams about the person I want and need to be. Alcohol doesn't allow me to be any of it really. Now I just need to find the strength to stop...