It was probably to numb feelings. I had a lot of pain, plus a lot of the message that certain feelings and things were inappropriate, so I never felt free to express anything. And I was afraid of what would happen if I did.
It was worse than I expected it was going to be, but stopping drinking allowed everything to come to the surface so I was able to process things and move on. If I hadn't gotten sober, I would have stayed in the same place, trying to numb it.. I think I hit a wall where I felt it was no longer working, or serving me, and I realized I didn't know who I was.
I think some of us alcoholics had been conditioned very early on to believe that pain and love are interchangeable.. We were only ever hurt by other people, often by the people we wanted love from, then we fell in to patterns of hurting ourselves, thinking that if we tried hard enough, we could escape the pain..