sketscher

I just need someone to open up to about my current situation and mixed feelings. This place with all of your wisdom and support to all who come here is where I feel most comfortable.

Some of you may know of my story. That I first came here and admitted that my ABF is also married. That he lived with me for months til one night he was responsible for a hit and run. At that time he told me he needed to be away from anyone til he could stand on his own.

Since then he's resumed drinking heavily. We remained friends but are certainly not as close. Fortunately for me I am not subjected to all the drama, depression and hate filled messages from his wife. I no longer spend evenings waiting and worrying while he's at the bar. I am free... And actually have gotten my pre-ABF life back as far as goals and habits (good ones).

So you may wonder why am I writing here tonight? I'm going to spill my guts here okay. First off when he came to live with me, twice, it was because his wife kicked him out for spending time with me. Good reason, but he never had the courage to tell her, as he told me, that it was over between them. Or what problems he felt they had. He tells me he still loves her but they are incompatible (she hates his drinking???) That he feels I might be his soul mate. Anyway his guilt and shame is tremendous. Which of course is the perfect excuse to drink even more! And this cycle continued; needs me, guilt, drinks more, promises one day he'll feel differently.

Well now it's almost a year later and things have sorta turned once again. Next month their divorce is final. And any day now his wife is expecting their second child! That was one important detail I never revealed here. The last time they reunited she got pregnant. He's known of this since the second month of pregnancy and he did tell me. In the beginning he was coping with it quite well really. Better than I was I think. He assured me that one doesn't have to parent a child to have a positive influence on them. That he looked forward me being able to spend time with his children. But now things have changed. He calls but it's short, he won't spend time with me. I finally confronted him on this and he said with the divorce coming and the baby that he was having a hard time. But that he still loves me. But this keeps haunting me. That he doesn't want to spend time with me because he doesn't want to have to reveal to his child one day if he asks "dad, what were you doing when I was about to be born?"

So here I am left to feel that I am nothing but a shameful reminder to him that he's screwed up his life. That he'd be ashamed to admit being with me though he thinks nothing of going to the bar EVERYDAY and getting smashed. He'd rather tell his son that????

So I have been sort of avoiding him the last couple days since he refused to really talk about this anymore. And now it looks like he's returning the cold shoulder. And I just want support from you wonderful people that this really is the best for both of us. I have been over and over this in my head what I'd like to say to him to explain how hurt I feel and why I deserve respect regardless of how we began and at the same time I am crushed that he's not trying to call me. What it boils down to is that I know how screwed up this all is but I haven't let go of him and he hadn't let me go.

Please help me to stay strong.