Interesting thread. The main thing I took away from it: one word, communication.
For me (going the ESH route here, applying AA to my relationship), that is one of the most critical components of my relationship. Neither of us have been in this kind of relationship before- I was married and I divorced 11 years ago, he got divorced this year after 18 years; we are 40, and we dated in high school....we sometimes refer to our relationship as a "working fairytale." That's what it is because it's the-second-chance-noone-gets story....and it's based in the real world. For us that means communication, complete trust and a faith based approach to working on ourselves individually (we are both in recovery) and then our relationship.
The biggest thing we are doing is perhaps deliberately building a relationship that is bigger, better and different from the ones that didn't work in the past. That is sometimes uncomfortable and we have some big issues on the table, largely from his side with his (alcoholic) ex-wife and their 14 yr old, for example; we talk. About everything. And we actively work on how to best express our needs, and to listen to the other person. One thing this means for me is to acknowledge my irritability or [ ] as soon as I can- I am the one who gets more ticky and he is the more even one, for example. And boundary setting- what we need and sometimes, yes, what the realistic expectations are for each other. One example of this is that since our schedules are very full and have fairly divergent hours plus lots of commitments on his side, especially, is that I asked for a commitment to one AA meeting and lunch as a date, a week. He upped the ante by saying we needed one date night a week. Done, and we're both happy. Cause I asked, and we talked. Then we stick to it because those are priorities. And so on.
I adore him and it is easy for me to be affectionate, giving, everything. I also work really hard at how to love him best, as he needs, and ask for what I need.
For us, there is too much at stake for resentment to be allowed to grow. We try to stop at the smallest things- he misjudged the time we could realistically start our date on the one night a week we get to spend together and what followed from that, for example- and right the ship. As he told me yesterday, "with you, I try to put it out there- what I'm feeling, even if it feels new or strange to actually voice all the "is this too much?" stuff....." and I do the same.
I just want a life of peace and love for and from someone worth it, and if that means learning to calmly and clearly express what I need, and the risk to do it, ok. Growth isn't always comfortable, especially in relationships when sometimes it's easy to back into a corner, get mad, go silent, whatever. We want to do different stuff so we get different results than in the past.