The question now... Because over the past year, my decision to stay or leave has been influenced to some extent by my feelings for him. What holds me there if he no longer is a factor? This is what I did all this for.
My moment of falling apart tonight was a very strong desire to text him and say I'm sorry you can come any time.. I will explain everything when I am ready... I can't do this... can I... I can't...
I was fully expecting him to come out of stubbornness. I have no right to tell him to stay away. He knows that..
Not once has he asked me what is wrong... Maybe he will drink til he's brave and call me up and ask..
I don't know if the situation is fixed... it is just more complicated... and risky still because he's a phone call away... And if I unring this bell, I can't very well ring it again!
My head is swirling around in circles..