Marty,
It seems like you are playing a little roulette with your alcoholism. If we fully concede to our innermost selves that we are indeed alcoholic and that to drink is to die, we get into ACTION. Get a sponsor...even if it is only a temporary sponsor.
The insanity of this disease is despite all the crap drinking has caused me. I still look at those places and would like to try it again.
"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." Big Book