Thank you so much for all of your responses. There's definitely a theme emerging about needing to 100% accept that you are never going to drink again in order to stop alcohol taking up so much headspace. That makes a lot of sense - and to be honest, it's not something I have completely done yet.
If I could flick a switch and truly believe that I am never going to be able to moderate, I would flick that switch. And believe me, there is PLENTY of evidence that I cannot moderate and that alcohol is a bad influence in my life. But there's a difference between knowing that intellectually and actually processing it deep inside.
I've told myself that I am definitely stopping for a year, because "forever" is so overwhelming and I would feel like I was lying to myself if I said today that I'll definitely never drink again. My priority in early sobriety is literally to get to the end of each day without picking up a drink, and my hope is that if I can do that for a year, I will then be strong enough at the end of that year to say "forever".
But I'm beginning to realise that the disadvantage of my "one year, then assess" approach is that while future drinking is still on the table, the thoughts are going to keep coming...
I did not have one specific event that was a terrible "rock bottom". I've been very lucky in that I still have a partner who loves me, a roof over my head and work coming in. I am trying to stop because I know that if I continue down that path, there is a good chance that alcohol will take those things away from me. Terrible things have happened as a direct result of my drinking, but I've mainly "got away" with it without any long term consequences. I'm grateful for this, but it does perhaps make it that bit harder to 100% shut the door on alcohol.
Thanks again for reading.