Something strange and unsettling that's happening to me a lot lately is that people keep telling me how well I look. I have been carded at the bottle shop a couple of times. Im 33 years old and getting constant compliments on how healthy and youthful I look. "Fresh faced". "Woah, I thought you were about 22 like me." I am feeling very unhealthy, alcoholic. Also a great deal of varied events have happened in my life and I no longer feel young. These compliments, I know they are well intended, but I don't understand them, I shouldn't be looking well or young. So I actually find them devalidating.
Can I say, I have a problem with secrets. My mother is a survivor of childhood attacks and is very resentful of the idea of any kind of secret, because her perpetrator made her keep the attacks secret. Sometimes I try to keep a very closely guarded secret and share it with no one. I sometimes think that if I kept a secret properly, I could keep myself safe. My secrets are really silly and childish, threadbare secrets. But I can't keep anything of consequence to myself, (like a peaceful space for example) so I keep these silly secrets.
I have been really afraid that if I keep drinking at this rate I'll lose myself permanently.