Hey Marie. Wow, you have been through the ringer these past few months. First off, congrats on your new granddaughter and kudos for being there to support your family in such a time of need. When it rains it pours, that's for sure.
Sooo, words of wisdom. Well, I survived a situation much like the one your daughter is currently in. When I initially read this post I almost thought she had met my ex. Yes, you can do 5 deployments. They probably weren't all a full year, and you have to volunteer and sign waivers, but it is possible. And then they come home with brain injuries. And PTSD. And alcoholism.
Anyway, she seems to have dug in her heels. I get that. There's this feeling you get like ultimate terminal uniqueness. He obviously needs lots of help, lots of saving, and somewhere in there that superhero is lurking in all his incredible power. My ex and I did tremendous, unbelievable things together during our deployment. I was just reflecting today that it felt like DESTINY, the two of us together, and I hung on for a long time believing that we were meant to conquer the world together. How could we not, after all we'd survived? All he had to do was get sober and get his stuff together and everything would be gravy. Remember that your daughter, like me, is an adult child of an alcoholic father. This situation probably rings all of her relationship bells, as much as you'd like to think she would know better. Like honeypig said,
It can be very powerful to believe that you are "the only one" who understands a certain person, that you are so good and magical and life-changing that your mere presence can turn a raging, damaged man into a kind and gentle friend.
There are some few resources available through the VA to caregivers who aren't spouses or parents. Most of them will end up directing you to other resources in the community- NAMI, AA, etc. That was actually how I ended up on the phone with the DV hotline once. I called the VA hotline trying to get help for him after a big major incident (one of too many that I stayed for) and after half a dozen call transfers I ended up talking to someone from Safenet (DV service).
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