If Bimini's suggestion of reading ALL the stickies is a tad overwhelming, maybe just start with this one, if you haven't seen it yet:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
It's hard for us to get it thru our heads that we are NOT responsible for our A's, that they are adults and have the right to do exactly as they please. However, along w/that right comes the responsibility of dealing w/the results of those actions, and if we take away that responsibility, we are treating an adult like a child, which is not right.
We are convinced we know better, and we believe they NEED us. I think almost all of us have worried that our A's would fall to pieces w/o us to run their lives for them. That's certainly not what happened when XAH and I split up. In fact, you would be
much more likely to read posts here about how the A moves on and has a new relationship in record time while the non-A grieves and struggles, than about how the A has slipped further down b/c of how their partner abandoned them...