I think most codependents like drama. Rather maybe the cycle of "fixing". There is drama and conflict, it reaches a peak, problem is fixed, resting period until the next drama.
The "resting" period brings security that all is well because you made it.
We all bring our past into new relationships. Problem here is, your past is affecting your current. I can't speak for your BF, but that gets tiresome after a while. Its like when someone has been cheated on and is always on the look out in their new relationship. At first our partners are complicit in securing trust, but after a while it gets very old. It becomes a job to assuage our partner's insecurities.
As for defensiveness.....I'm a work in progress but i've been very honest with my guy about why I am the way I am and he validates what I have to say and tries to be patient with me.
How long do you think the "patience" will last?
And, i know what to expect from my bf. Sometimes that's part of the problem. He's boring and predictable. He's reliable and loyal and dependable. There's no drama. Sometimes there's too much silence. I know what he's capable of, he's been honest.
It's me who struggles. I want drama. I have an emptiness that needs to be filled. I know that I can't expect him to be something he's not.
I am going to assume what you don't want is bad drama, that you aren't really looking for an argument, certainly not looking for anything resembling your past marriage. So, I have to wonder. Is this relationship a match? Because using the term "boring" to describe your partner is kinda.....not a great description. Perhaps its just a matter of syntax......I am wondering how well you think the two of you coincide in interests, and in the way you relate to each other beyond your issues of being defensive? Are you feeling empty just because he is non responsive in the way you are? Or, are you feeling empty because of other reasons?