I would like to express some gratitude about you folks.... didn't expect so much overnight help, in such kindness. Thank you so very much--this is very helpful, and makes a hard time somehow humanizing.
So I've been going down the rabbit hole of information about alcoholism and sobriety. Everything from neuroscience to diet to pathology to psychology. Modern research, old takes, stats on what works or does not, you name it. Down to how to encourage neural regrowth and reestablish a healthy gut flora.
A bit of an aha moment... I had studied cognitive neuroscience in university when I was in my early twenties. I had taken a course called "psychopharmacology", where we looked over all psychoactive drugs, from LSD to caffeine to benzodiazepines. Thoroughly. Except alcohol, it seems. We covered it, but not very much. It seems that most of what I am reading right now about the long term effects of alcohol is completely new to me. It shouldn't be--I can't tell you how thorough this course was on all other drugs.
Then it hit me... that prof had a booze tan. Red nose. Shakiness. Scatterbrained. I got to thinking about the power of denial. And my own previous denial.... I am an information junkie. I will look into the far reaches of any topic, from the science of perfect meat cooking to bodily mechanisms of exercise.
How is it that I never looked into my daily companion, booze, before? The one thing my life revolved around, the one thing that followed my day from wake to sleep? Easy answer really--I didn't want to know. Really, we all know that you shouldn't wake up and crack a beer. Or sneak some in your coffee mug at work. It's amazing how you can just shut down your inner voice and gloss over it, just like that.
Leads me to wonder what else I've swept under the carpet. What else I'm pretending is totally okay when it blatantly is not. I think I'm going to call that bomb that exploded "The Question Bomb". 'Cause that's what the sentiment is, really--a stunned stall, a gaping mouth, and a million questions.