Day Two of Sobriety
I am 43 years old and married 22 years. We live in suburbs north of the Dallas area. We have a 21 year old daughter in college who lives on her own and a 15 year old son who is a freshman in high school. My 21 year old daughter is also living with us. I am a masters-degreed professional and work from home full time. My husband is in school full time and works full time, so I handle just about all of the chores, errands, and parenting around here right now.
I grew up with parents who did not drink at all. When I went off to college at 20, I was suddenly in a new world of lots of alcohol all the time. In college, I was more of a typical weekend binge drinker, not one who drank every day.
Fast forward to about 13 years ago - we were struggling financially and ended up living with my father-in-law for about a year and a half. He is an alcoholic, and I started having a few drinks with him every single night. Since then, I've had a few periods of time where I didn't drink for a week or so, but for the most part I have been a nightly drinker.
When my sister died at 44 years old about 5 years ago, I definitely increased the amount of alcohol I was consuming, just coping with the loss.
And now, this past 8 or 9 months, it's gotten much worse. My husband and I drink with our best friends every Saturday night, but I've been drinking secretly every other night, too. I hide vodka and sneak a big serving into my water bottle with water several times a night. I've started pouring that first nip in the water bottle earlier and earlier each day. Often, my first drink would be on the way to pick my niece up from work or pick my son up from school. I rationalized it was just the first drink, so I wasn't driving drunk, right? That was the last place I had to go for the day, so I'd be fine. Now a few times, I have started getting drunk during the day on weekends. My husband works every weekend, and the kids are always occupied. I'd have breakfast, take care of my chores or shopping, and drink for a few hours. Then pass out for a long nap, wake up and drink for the evening. So far I have resisted drinking while I am working, but I'm terrified that's my next step. I am the breadwinner while my husband finishes school, so if I lost my job, we would be in major financial despair.
Most nights, the conversations and events that happen at home are a blur if not just a complete blackout. I don't remember what shows we watched. My family says they have told me something that I've forgotten, My husband thanks me for great sex. I don't remember passing out in the chair or going to bed. I can't remember any of it, and it's scary.
For several years, I remember waking up every single morning disgusted with myself and telling myself today was the day I would be alcohol-free. By late afternoon, I was either headed to the liquor store or scrounging for some leftovers in a bottle somewhere.
My name is Rebecca J, and I'm an alcoholic.