Thanks Suzie, but there's no resources out here. I don't need much help taking care of my mom physically. It's just emotionally tiring. It's hard to explain what it's like to watch a parent decline. It's just something I have to go through. I just don't know if I can emotionally handle seeing it for the 3rd time.
I know meetings would probably help kitty kat. It's just getting there that's the problem. I have to force myself out of bed every morning. Finding a reason to live is getting harder everyday.
One of the GED programs contacted me and they want me to take a 3 day intake starting oct 17. I thought I would be ecstatic, but I'm scared ******** and I honestly don't want to go anymore. I can't focus and my anxiety is so bad I'm in physical pain. I've been trying to go to bed for the past hour, but I have so much tension running through my body. I took 6 xanax today and I didn't feel anything. I'm almost done with the prescription and it hasn't been two weeks! I honestly didn't think they would call this soon. I don't have the drive like I did two years ago. I put SO much work and dedication the first time around. I mentally feel like I can't do it again.
To make matters worse I met a guy I REALLY like. He's really nice and we have a good repport and I already see myself getting attached. I don't even know if he likes me like that and I'm not sure I want to know. I emotionally cannot handle rejection right now. You know I used to love being by myself now I can't stand it. I have never felt this alone and invisible in my whole entire life. Even my relationship with my mom is strained. Talking to her is literally like pulling teeth, and she's so dismissive of my feelings and she wonders why I'm constantly lashing out. She doesn't truly understand. NONE of my "friends" do. Nobody texts me and asks me how I'm doing. Nobody offers me some words of comfort or has my back. Nobody. Cares.
I relapsed again this past week and my mom of course guilt tripped me into throwing out the rest of the booze. I ******' hate when she does that because emotionally manipulates me into buying her cancer sticks. We have this really ****** up co-dependent relationship and she doesn't seem to care.
I'm so tired of being alive. I just googled "fastest ways to commit suicide". But I can't ******' do it. I'm too scared!!! I'm literally trapped and I am livid. My anger has been off the charts. I rarely leave my room. I have all this pent up resentment. I'm physically in pain and I have nowhere to go for help! I just want to lock myself in a room and drink myself into oblivion. 'My mom keeps telling me I'm going to fine and i'm like no i'm not!! I not fine. I've never been fine and I never WILL be fine. She's in denial and she says that type of **** to shut me up.
I'm glad you're okay Midwest. Glad to see you back Winslow.