Thanks for your kind words, Deli, but you don't have to thank me or anyone else for what you're doing. Courage is courage, and whatever isn't courage isn't courage, whether acknowledged or not.
You have a very important story to tell, one that many people need to hear. That many of those who can benefit from it most will do nothing as a result is beside the point.
When I read about your interactions with your counselor, I knew immediately that you'd made some major strides in your work with her, and that you had clearly learned something important from your suffering. Even if it doesn't seem that way to you. Some people might be surprised to know that this is a very rare event.
It may be instructive to look at alcoholism, or the struggle to get sober, as a model. I don't care about the percentages of people with addictions who go ahead and seek help, those who actually get clean and sober, or the fact that very few people even try, but the numbers are striking. About 10% of those with chemical addictions of any kind seek help. The standard for long-term abstinence for all chemical addictions among those who do get help is usually placed at between ten and thirty percent. Based on personal and professional experience, I lean towards the lower end of this estimate.
Why is it that we haven't learned to stop killing ourselves and, in the process, making life miserable for the people we care about most? We all know the horrors of addiction, yet the numbers tell us, among much else, that few of us actually do anything about it, and very few of those who get help remain abstinent. And these data hold, across-the-board, among those who seek help for and eventually get to a better place with virtually all kinds of maladaptive behaviors. The human race is very big on promoting "wellness," but not so good when it comes to do anything about it.
Ya know, you're story, the way you're able to articulate your suffering, your extreme honesty in doing so, and what you're willing to put yourself through in order to get well, despite the absence of any guarantees, is truly exceptional. In the service of not wanting to put too much pressure on you, this doesn't mean that you won't stumble along the way, or that anyone will lose all sense of compassion by criticizing you if you do. After all, and as is true of too many of us, you've been taught that nothing you do is ever good enough, and that you'll face severe punishment if you don't do things perfectly well according to someone else's standards.