Thank you so much
I would like to thank each and every one of you for your messages whilst I was having my melt down yesterday - it really did help and some even made me chuckle which I haven't done for a while. When he phoned me those 2 months ago to say that he had found his higher power and was now with people who understood him and were helping him I felt so awful about should I have done more. Then he text me a photo of some pages in the big book about how if someone was diagnosed with cancer that everyone felt sorry for them and tried to help but not so with the alcoholic who is also suffering from a disease. That really struck a chord with me as my dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in Feb with 6 months to live (thankfully he is on a clinical trial now and is still with us). When I look back, that diagnosis was devastating for all my family and took a lot to get my head around it. However, the months following my focus was still on AP - it has really messed with my head.
At the end of July I could feel myself drowning. I went to the doctors and was put on antidepressants. A friend of mine recommended a therapist and I started seeing him three weeks ago. The first two sessions were more of a 'getting to know' me and the situation and last week we started working on some CBT. One of my tasks this week was to stop googling about alcoholism whilst I am at work, when I find myself doing it, to get up out of my office and do something else. Clearly this is not working as here I am but I will leave the office after I have typed this. I did google 'gaslighting' at atalose recommendation and that was an eye opener. All those years of subtle comments 'what are you talking about? Have you listened to yourself? You're making it up! You're going mad! I haven't been drinking! You're the one with the problem! Look at everything I have done around the house' I used to say I would live in a slum with him as long as he was sober and happy.
Last night, I had to take eldest to football then went to see a friend and had another little cry and a glass of wine! (I am not good in my own company at the minute). When I got into bed, I realised that he hadn't even rung to see how I was when he clearly knew how upset I had been. Then this morning I got a call. I didn't pick up. Then i had a text message: 'hope you're ok. I don't like to think of you upset' I haven't responded. I don't know what to respond. I don't know what I think anymore and am going around in circles. I want to cling on, I want him to cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be alright like he used to. Then I want to man up and tell him how dare he just cast me aside like the last 15 years meant nothing and how he has to 'forget the past' as nothing can be done about it and how he has to focus on his future.
Some weeks back I read on a thread here about a book called 'co-dependent no more' I ordered it and started reading it but it has just made me think I should have gone about everything a different way as many of the stories seemed to be about people who changed their behaviours whilst in the relationship to a successful outcome. I have thrown away that chance.
Even while I am typing this I want to bang my head against a wall. I don't know this person I have become. I used to be a strong woman. Successful career (which he says I wouldn't have had unless it was for him supporting me), 2 beautiful boys, a lovely house (which he put 15 years of blood, sweat and toil into) and independent. I do not recognise myself anymore and am struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have thought about alanon... there are two meetings a week in my area but I figured that it would be for people who are currently living with an alcoholic and as I haven't been for nearly a year, I didn't know if it would be appropriate. A whole year!!! I should be moving forward like he is, not sliding backward!
Friends say time will heal and I truly hope so as this is a living hell. Thank you again everyone.