dailystruggle1

I have been looking on here for a few weeks now and I must apologise for the long post but I now feel so adrift with my life that its affecting all that I do.
I was living with an alcoholic for 15years. We both met partying and stayed that way for a few years – it was fun. We got on so well and developed a deep love for each other. Then we had two lovely boys but whilst I grew out of the drinking and going out so much, my bf drank at home. More and more. Then secretly. Then the arguments started. It was such a typical alcoholic relationship… him pouring me glasses of wine that I didn’t want so he could drink guilt free, me finding empty bottles cans all over the house, him lying about how much he had to drink then more rows.
I worked full time in a senior position then would come home and ferry kids to clubs whilst he refused as he was ‘making dinner’ - for me to come home after to find dinner burnt and a bottles/cans drunk and him slurring trying to keep it together. He then lost jobs, decided to stay at home to look after kids so we didn’t have to pay for a childminder. It got worse then… phonecalls from school because he had forgotten to pick them up, him constantly rowing with our eldest child, me becoming more distant. 5 years ago after an absolute horrible couple of months, he had gone out to walk the dog early in the morning, I went to work but had a sneaking suspicion so I went home at 9am to find him passed out on the bed. At that point I phoned his brother to take him as I couldn’t cope anymore and I didn’t want the children to see him like that anymore. At that point he got in the car to drive up to his mums and was arrested for drink driving receiving a 1 year ban.
His mum got in touch with local alcoholic services and he dried out. She removed all alcohol from her house, didn’t allow him access to any money and he had a counsellor support. Then one weekend, his brother took my kids up to see their dad. However, the night before he had done some work for his other brother who gave him £50 so when the kids got there, he wasn’t there. They found him in a shop buying cider. It was awful then.
He apologised and a week later moved in with his dad near me as he said he couldn’t be without us. I said that if he really tried hard we could go out on some date nights and see how we go. Which we did and all seemed well so after 4 months he moved back in and got a job. That’s when it began again. Just two beers on a Friday night, then Saturday, then every night but he seemed to have it under control and despite a few arguments every now and then about it all seemed well. He then took me to Prague on Valentines day to propose. On that very night, I wanted to go back to the hotel room but he wanted to stay out drinking as we didn’t have the kids with us. It led to a very big argument where he told me that it was me who had the problem with his drinking and if we were going to work, I had to get over it. There were tears and apologies but hey we drew a line under it and continued.
At home the drinking got worse. Total binges at the weekend, dry heaving in the morning, sweats, huge rows where it would be all my fault. The kids would come home from school and he would be passed out. He leant against the cooker one night and all I could hear was the ignition switch clicking – had he turned the gas god knows what would have happened. Then I had a late night at work and he was taking the kids swimming. I heard on the phone that he sounded like he had had a drink and asked him but he assured me he was fine to take them. When I got home, he hadn’t taken them as while driving he burst 2 tyres on the car but it was because of a pot hole. A month later, we were out at dinner for a friend birthday… he got so drunk he fell asleep at the table then fell off the chair. These are just a few of the incidents in our final month together.
During all this time I had begged him to get help and he dabbled in AA, went to weekly meetings but never got a sponsor.
After a particular nasty week, I asked him to move out and took him to the train station to move in with his mum. I got finances sorted and looked for rehab places but he didn’t want to waste the money on it. He begged to come back and I said only when he had been sober for a year as we couldn’t live like this anymore.
He moved in to my old house that we were renting out. We had already evicted the tenants as at that point we were going to sell the house for the wedding. He spent Christmas and new year with me and the kids and made lots of promises to everyone that he was done with drinking this time.
However, he soon fell off the wagon, kept wanting to drive the kids but I wouldn’t let him unless he blew into a breathilser which he failed. He then told me I was belittling him and refused to do it anymore but I stuck to my guns on that one. He lost 2 jobs. During that time, he was lovely one week, coming round to house to do jobs promising me the earth, then drinking the next week coming round telling me what a cold hearted bitch I was and a c*** sometimes in front of the kids. I despaired and withdrew more and more until I told him enough was enough, it was over and stop bothering me. I then tried to get on with my life, going out with friends which he hated and I knew he was hurting but everytime I saw him drunk I honestly wanted to kill him for what he was doing.
I suppose why I am writing this is because about 2 months ago, he found a sponsor and started working the programme properly – something I have wanted him to do for so many years. He then said that he had found his higher power and he would never forgive me for what I put him through the last few months. He said that I knew he had a problem yet did nothing to help him, not put my arms around him when he needed me the most and he is now moving on and he wished me well for my future.
This has completely floored me and now I do not know what to do. We had a heart wrenching conversation on the phone today that has left me in pieces. It was more of the same. After 2 months of big book study he is working the steps this weekend and will be out of contact for the kids. He said that I really hurt him and I should have gone to alanon to understand what an alcoholic brain is like so that I could have understood the situation better. I said it was difficult to put my arms around him when he was calling me all the names under the sun, phoning all my friends to tell them how horrible I was and fighting with him not to take the kids in the car. He said that he didn’t have a choice, it’s a disease and although I am learning more about it now, he said its too little, too late. The best we can hope for is to be friends as he now has to focus solely on himself and his recovery so that he can live independently. I was his comfort blanket apparently and if he came back then it would be likely he would slip back to his old ways.
I ended up practically begging for a reconciliation as I truly feel we were always meant to be together – I am completely heartbroken and guilt ridden for my behaviour. I took him back everytime except this last one and now I feel like I have took a gamble on what I was doing and lost. It turns out that I am responsible for our relationship ending and I don’t think I can stand it. Whilst I was breaking down on the phone, he was just telling me that I need to pull myself together, that I am now going through what he went through when I told him it was over. I said that I couldn’t have a life with someone actively drinking… it wasn’t fair anymore on me or the kids. He said that if I truly loved him we could have got through anything. I said that actions speak louder than words and I was waiting for a proper commitment to sobriety.
The guilt and loss is completely consuming me and I feel so sorry for my children. We used to be such a tight loving family unit. We could have had such a wonderful life and now I have ruined it by being a complete bitch and I am really struggling to get to grips with my emotions. Please help xx