Day one of break up
Hey Barkley77 and all…
I am in day one of a break up. Could be day number 99 for all the times we argue and make up really. So your post hit home. As in I anticipate all the questions with all the new people just finding out. And also I just told my mother about my alcoholic boyfriend I've been with for 20 months. I held it to myself all this time cause I knew my rational smart mother would suggest I exit this relationship. And hence she has. There's no take backs now. I have no guilt as far as letting it out of how much a jerk he has been, just regret now that I can't erase the news I've shared if we were to ever get back together. Of course like you, I have hopes that are not realistic of us making it. Cause I love the guy, when he is sober! Wishful thinking.
I didn't tell my mother all of it. He also uses cocaine every time he drinks…and boy can he drink. Binges for days….all day and into the early dawn. Then sleeps for days and eats pizza. It progressively got worse, as it was not as frequent when we first met, but then it became more and frequent and closer together and for more days consecutively.
I moved 2000 miles with this guy. I'm in a beautiful state that offers all I love: camping, hiking, skiing, biking, falls, hot springs ….but I know no one. Have a few acquaintances from work. Some I have reached out to. Over the months I have been offered a room, a couch, a basement if I need to get out. But nothing like the friends and family I left behind a year ago. So my dilemma is where to move. I know I just need my space and soon. I walk on egg shells, no physical abuse, but words and raised voices all too often. I would love to just get a cute studio or one bedroom in town.. My mother says don't do that thinking he will not be around to bother you and manipulate you into thinking he's changed. You will fall intimate with him and be back at square one again. No one can really evaluate the change unless he's been in a program for 6-12 months minimum. She says and she has her doctorate and two masters…one in psychology. She too lived with my dad for 25 years…an alcoholic that died at 63 of a heart attack…with a 6 pack on the bed. They divorced years before his death but none the less she said do not do another day in this.
I know the correct actions to take, for my well being and happiness but my heart and twisted mind are not jiving. I'm sad. He won't change. I hold onto infrequent times of soberness. But I know now that in those sober days his body is just resting and the urge is a comin’!!
I don't need to go into details, my life has been everything anyone has gone through loving and living with an addict and alcoholic. Slob, never remembers to do special or necessary things, talks down to me, blames me for being uptight and a nag when I ask him to cut back, or stop and this relationship is going no where. Stopped asking me to go out with him or meet him months ago. Naturally I think he's cheating but he always came home…even it were by 6 am. But lights up like a Christmas tree and has all the energy and time in the world to “pick up” and just go out. It's sad.
We have had so many weeks over the last year of not speaking for days, me sleeping in the 2nd bedroom. Him coming to me asking “ are you done?” Really? No acknowledgement of his toxic behavior. Controls the conversation to the point I get tripped up…as in “ what I can't go out ever.?” Or “what I can't have friends ?” He was out 3-4 nights all June,July, August and now September it's on again! It was party summer. We haven't spoken in 6 days. He has been out the last 48 hours…all day..home at 3-4am, and back at it all day yesterday. No text, nothing. He will always choose the drink and coke over me. I yelled at him this last time….go ahead, be with whom ever , random supposed friends who all do the same, boost your ego and come home and tell me I'm no fun. What they don't know is if its not them he will find someone on speed dial to hang out with, a random drug dealer or someone with a day off with that common denominator of drugs and drinking.
Anyway I was fighting a losing battle all this time. I reached out to forums and blogs and when I read what mirrored my life in so many women's stories a light went off. I've never been in this situation and so I do not know how it goes as I make this very challenging decision to uproot mylife…geez..I just moved here a year ago.
So best wishes for you. Thank you for sharing. Please let's stay in touch. I'm what I consider normal. Never in trouble, an educated 48 year old lady, professional and have many good friends ( that I distanced myself from cause I had nothing good to tell…normally everyone wants to know what's good and going on). I.even shut my Facebook down for the year. I know now that is typical of an abused person, to regress and hide due to shame and embarrassment.
Well it's out now. If I stay now, my mom says its on me. And if I stay in this state with no family and friends it will not get better. Let alone the annoying packing and orchestrating a move thousands of miles away. Damn him!