Hi Eventhorizons,
I'm quite happy to share. If I had shared my feelings on here over the last few months I might not have picked up again
I was also wary of posting as don't want people to think how you can be sober for so long and then drink again and it put people off. But that's not the right way to think either and I hope no one thinks that.
My life has changed so much for the better since I got sober (after many periods of weeks sober) I used Rational Recovery AVRT and SR daily. It was hard at first, mentally more than physically but I got there and learned to be who I was without alcohol. I moved home, job, ended my marriage and had a total life makeover which wouldn't have happened if I'd still been drinking.
Anyway over the last few months I have been under a great deal of stress, financially and emotionally. I have a house up for sale which in the UK seems to be never ending stress and anxiety and worry and people can just pull out any time. Just feel like the whole house of cards can collapse. Relationship with my ex-husband has its ups and downs mainly over maintenance and access. My boss at work had been making inappropriate advances towards me some months ago which I handled and it's stopped but it's just all the little things all at once. My current relationship, although good, sometimes makes me feel insecure-you know I love him more than he loves me etc. Anyway it was just all of it - and most importantly I'd stopped working on my recovery. I had slipped in all areas of my life and my recovery. Maybe slipping in my recovery led to the slips in other areas. But there are no excuses. I drank a few weeks ago -just once. Nothing bad hapepend. Then I did it again a couple of weeks ago. Until I was completely obsessing about it. once it's back in it's back in my mind with a vengeance. I drank on Friday night and made a complete fool of myself.
I can (and did) beat myself up with shame guilt, embarrassment and crippling fear and anxiety yesterday but am telling myself that is no good. Yes we learn from fear and remember it but it fades quickly so I need something more. I need to be back on SR daily and do other work to strengthen my sobriety. I don't feel I 've wasted the last 3 1/2 years. I've learned many lessons and my life is still good but there is no way I'm putting it all at risk. I'm under no illusion that I'm back at Day 2 but I'm in the best place here on SR.