2 days
I've smoked too much weed for too long my life was becoming a horrid reclusive mess I felt like a smack freak my flat was feral I was feral my friends were a-holes. It's time for change.
Yesterday was one of those time-bending taking forever kind of days every hour took an eon but I persevered. I watched a bunch of comedy videos, even got some laughs out of me. I've attended meetings and will continue to do so - my addiction is very isolative, i need to re-learn to be with people not in my shell/head.
I'm PTSD and had managed to convince myself weed was medication when I KNOW that meditation does a better job of keeping me calm.
When I fell over a few years back (was 18 months clean) I blew my masters project, turned down a part in a tv series, quit stand-up, got in a years supply of weed, and locked the doors. <-lot of pain.
It was so awful shutting down and shutting the world out once again but after a year or so I put my hand up for help and got counsel for my core PTSD stuff which i never did before as we were too busy concentrating on other stuff... my layers run deep.
I got asked to babysit my 4 yr old brother when i was only 7 and he died in my care. The cops interrogated me hard trying to get a conviction as it happened on the property of a powerful corporation who didn't want to fix up their safety so kids couldn't just walk in and jump on their machines. SCUM. They left telling my parents, he's definately innocent anyone else would've broke after that, we were very thorough, they were proud of themselves. But I did break, I was only a little kid.
I became a book junkie as it was the only escapism game in town then age 13 discovered marijuana and never looked back. I'm 49 now.
I was in my first rehab age 15 via the courts I hit puberty and went completely crazy, voices in my head, rage and fear was all i knew. In there some counsellor filled me up with rhohypnol et al and had his way. The guy who ran the place was getting baked every night he got caught eventually. i tried but how the hell's a kid gonna get clean in that dysfunctional pit. They recommended jail and so, age 15 I find myself in a yard full of men playing scrag with the white ball - me.
I avoided trying to get clean for a long while after that.
I barely started my story but I gotta stop already. I'm gonna take this shambles of a life and turn it right around, I deserve far more than I've been dealt and I plan to get it. After a few months up I'll get back on stage, next year I start a doctorate.
In my addiction over the years i've done some pretty ****** things myself, but made amends for most of it last time round so I'm carrying a lot less garbage than one might expect of a newcomer (plus the ongoing counselling and ability to be honest with my sister). I'm actually feeling blessed, I have support, i know how to stop, and i already know relief will come.
Weed cannot have me anymore, and these tears, at least they're real.
Blessings to all. Thank you for being here.