Wanting to Want Sobriety
I've been on and off SR for a few years now, along with it many attempts to get and stay sober. I've managed to string together a few runs here and there, most recently 100 days earlier this year. I'm here on Day 1 again after 5 days of bingeing. I'm 48 and I don't think my body can take this much longer. I'm sober today, and now, and starting to feel somewhat human again- the sweats and anxiety are waning, though I know it will be a restless night of (little) sleep.
Alcoholism confounds me. It's like there's a mechanism that prompts me to forget everything and forego all thought when I go to buy my jumbo bottle of wine. I've tried meditation, AA meetings, recovery plans, you name it. It's like I want sobriety but somehow not enough. Maybe I need to dig deeper and absolutely need to make sobriety priority one, ruthlessly, every day. But, in all of this, I will not give up. Thanks for reading!