RBRTexas

Back Story: There were a series of deaths within my inner circle of friends and family. I was using Pain Killers recreationally before this and found that they helped me deal with the pain of the deaths, which i later found out that they were not helping me deal with anything, they were helping me to not think or deal with the events. I quickly got wrapped in the addiction of these different pain killers that i was buying on the streets. My wife (girlfriend at the time) eventually caught me enough times that i had a break down, admitted everything and went to an outpatient rehab facility in Houston (i had been hiding this from her and lying when she would catch me for almost three years).

The rehab facility prescribed me Suboxone. I was to take 8mg twice a day. We were told that after a while they would begin to taper me off the drug so that the withdrawl process was tolerable. We quickly found out that the doctor we were going to was not concerned with me getting better, he was concerned with getting patients in and out of the office fast. So my wife and I started tapering me off the Suboxone. Everything went well, I got off the Suboxone while taking a 1/16 of a strip once a day, so the withdrawl was compared to Flu type symptoms and was tolerable. My one problem with this was, I stopped using the Suboxone but i still had six unopened strips left over, that my wife did not know about. I thought of these at the time as a safety blanket type thing, it helped me to know that i had these hidden at my office for some reason.

Since everything in our marriage looked as if it was going great, we planned and had our first child. During her pregnancy, while we were about to leave on a family vacation, I relapsed and took one small piece of a suboxone, my wife found the wrapper in the bathroom of our beach house. She forgave me. We had our beautiful daughter, who just turned six months old this month, i battle with triggers and bad thoughts every day, but the internet forums like these and some of the triggers i've learned in books help me make it one day at a time.

A couple days ago, she took my truck to run an errand and while parked started looking around my truck for suboxone or pain killers, well she found some of the Suboxone tablets that i got about two years ago. The back story on this was, while I was nearing the end of my doctors visits and getting close to stopping the suboxone, the very first time, i reached out to one of my old pain killer dealers and ask him if he could get some suboxone one day in the future if i needed some, he said he could, so i told him i would be in touch if i needed some. Well, this guy being the vindictive person he is, came up to my shop where i work looking for tires, we sold him some tires, he asked me if he could pay half cash and half in suboxone tablets (not the strips) Me being weak and about to stop Suboxone all together i agreed, put the tablets in an envelope and hid them in my truck. I guess i was so worked up about stopping the strips, still having the strips, i totally forgot about these little tablets being hidden in my truck. years went by and now they have resurfaced.

My wife, of course is irate! I pleaded with her to try and trust me, but why would she. She is not leaving because of the baby, thank God. I offered to take a drug test, she refused. I offered to call the person that i bought them from (i found his phone number from the old invoice where he bought the tires, because i deleted all the "bad" numbers out of my phone) and have him explain the situation, if he would even remember. But now that she is upset with me and does not believe me that they were old and i am not using anymore, all i can think about is using. these voices are going off in my head "she already thinks you did it, do it" "she wont leave because the baby, do it" "do it!! do it!! do it!!"

I have not used, i will not use! but writing about it and having others feedback has always helped me. I also would like any advice on gaining me wives trust back, i know it will be a long process, but i love this woman, she is the reason i am clean and sober today and it kills me that she has lost faith in me once again.

Thanks!