Sick and tired of this sick cycle that I'm in: Drink --> blackout. embarrass myself. offend others. lie about everything. gossip. spend way, way too much money at bars. make a complete fool of myself --> wake up feeling like i'm on death's door physically. mentally the feelings of shame and self-hatred are too powerful to put into words. go into work looking and smelling awful. --> the shame and depression continues into to Tuesday and Wednesday --> Thursday comes and I feel better. I think to myself it "wasn't that bad" and that I blew it out of proportion to myself. --> drink again. waste the weekend in the twilight zone while drinking and then the subsequent afternoons spent in bed hungover.
welcome back! I love the way you describe the cyrcle of madness drinking is, i had done all of these things minus going to work hangover instead i wouldnt be able to get up and would be obssessing about losing my job as well.
congrats on your previous sober time and thank you for your post!