joshlyman

Hi everyone. I had a good 15 months of sobriety when I decided to screw up everything that I had been working on.

I started drinking again. I'm binge drinker (weekend warrior) and I black out 95% of the times that I drink. Yesterday I spent 9 hours at a bar. Yes, nine freakin' hours. The last two hours of the night are non-existent/a blur. I am sure that I embarrassed myself. It is such a scary feeling to have a moment when you look around and realize that all your friends had left the bar but you don't remember them actually leaving. This happens all too much to me and I am sick of it.

I am ready to quit drinking again. Sick and tired of this sick cycle that I'm in: Drink --> blackout. embarrass myself. offend others. lie about everything. gossip. spend way, way too much money at bars. make a complete fool of myself --> wake up feeling like i'm on death's door physically. mentally the feelings of shame and self-hatred are too powerful to put into words. go into work looking and smelling awful. --> the shame and depression continues into to Tuesday and Wednesday --> Thursday comes and I feel better. I think to myself it "wasn't that bad" and that I blew it out of proportion to myself. --> drink again. waste the weekend in the twilight zone while drinking and then the subsequent afternoons spent in bed hungover.

so i am committing today to break the cycle. i absolutely hate alcohol and do not want it in my life anymore. i want my sobriety and dignity back. no more blackouts, no more drinking related issues that get my into trouble with people i care about. no more obsession.

i look forward to posting with everyone again.