B - I love your posts, they are always so well written and very insightful. You are doing an amazing job with this sobriety thing, you're really peeling back the layers and I see only greatness for you.
My insight is a bit different at this stage. My anxiety has taken on a different form, it's more subtle, but always there nagging at me. I'm finding my sleep patterns are starting to become interrupted and I lay in bed just thinking.
All of this is familiar. I feel like all drinking has done for me is postpone the inevitable. Like I've numbed my emotions and set things to the side and not dealt with it. Like ever. Like having an alcoholic mother, like having a father that isn't engaged, like losing my cousin to alcoholism when she was only 37, and three months later my brother losing his life to an overdose. Like all the stupid things I have done in my life, all the friends I have lost, how now I am not very close to anyone at all. Yes, it's a lot, and this is what happens when I try to get sober. Once I get past the hard part of stopping, and just when it feels like everything is great and life is beautiful, just when I think I have it all figured out, there is a knock at my door and they have a briefcase full of all of this undealt crap from my life and they say " You have to deal with this now, the time has come".
And I want to run away scared because I don't know how to deal with all of that. I don't know how to forgive God much less myself. I don't know how to make it all fair and good in my head. I don't know how to clear it all out, get past it so I can actually be the person I'm supposed to be.
This is so familiar. This is me treading near a relapse. I'm not having cravings. Cravings don't break me. This subtle anxiety does.