Hi everyone, I'm checking in before going to sleep. It was a long day with a lot of driving around a strange city. Tomorrow I meet up with my family here and go to a child's birthday celebration; we will take a boat down a river.
I'm feeling more confident about being sober. I am thinking about drinking less. The elevator in this hotel stank of alcohol and the smell felt like sadness to me. I feel less like something is missing, I think because I'm closer to a place where it's more natural to not drink. Not that the reasons aren't there, but I guess because I'm working on them by slowly getting used to a different attitude and slowly unpeeling the top layers of self acceptance. I really, really like being someone who doesn't drink.
Every single day there has been an opportunity, since August 12. Whether it's being at home and my girlfriend opens a beer, or whether it's a work thing, or some social gathering, alcohol has been an option everywhere. It's really in a lot of places, hiding out. I read somewhere about how kid's functions, like birthday parties, are wine fests for moms, and a recovering alcoholic mom has to navigate that. It seems unlikely but it's not. We really have to learn to restructure our lives. I have chosen not to go to events that are built around alcohol, but the other ones were much harder at first. The hardest though, is being alone. That was where I had to remember who I used to be when I was alone with myself. I've talked a lot about this here, and want to say that remembering how to be alone, sober, has been the most interesting thing. I think I'm really just starting to see that.
The irony is that I drank around people as a way of getting through social situations. That's really isolating oneself, if you think about it. I know this forum isn't really social in the true sense of the word: we aren't in front of each other, for example. But the interactions, and sometimes regular conversations: about stacking wood, walking a dog, cleaning a kitchen, going on a vacation, watching your wife drink 2 oz of wine, seem to be very real to me. It seems normal. What would we all say to each other if we were drinking together? Nonsense. We wouldn't really know each other. Drinking is an isolating social lubricant.
I'm feeling a lot of gratitude that I will see my family tomorrow and not be thinking about how I can engineer the visit to definitely include alcohol, and then, when I'm successful, how I can drink as much as possible without making a fool of myself, and then, when I'm not successful with that, feeling like I missed an opportunity, and burying that anxiety with more alcohol. I'm glad that I look a lot better, and these people who haven't seen me in many years won't ID me as someone who looks like she drinks a bottle or two of wine every night.
The simplicity of it all is relieving. I'm feeling like a load is off my shoulders and I will do whatever I need to to keep it off.
We get to this place, or at least I did, where we can't even imagine what it would be like to have that load off the shoulders. We can't imagine what we don't have a picture of, right? I don't think I would have even realized that is what I had, even though I understood intellectually what addiction is. So defending it is becoming more of a priority in my subconscious I think.
I guess that's why the elevator smelled sad. I have no idea and it's not my business if the person(s) who stank it up were sad. I know if you stopped me when I was drinking and asked me if I was sad, I'd probably say and mean "no". But I was sad. And I still am, but I'm finding more constructive ways to be happy by being a little more creative.
God this is getting long. But the other day, I was annoyed about the hotel coffee, which is expensive and not very good. I'm a coffee snob. I actually brought coffee beans, a hand grinder, and a french press with me. DO NOT JUDGE lol. But there was no way to heat the water up. Grr. I complained to myself and started each morning feeling very grumpy that I went to the trouble of bringing all the stuff and couldn't use it. I was bitter. When I'm feeling that way I get that load of bricks on my back again and it just sucks. Then I got the idea to buy a cheap electric kettle, which actually pays for itself twice over when you consider that I would drink two big cups of the overpriced hotel coffee. So all this week I've had good coffee, which makes me happy, and I'm even saving money. And I got this because I decided to be optimistic and accept what I can't change and change what I can.
I wish I knew how to post a pic from my laptop because it's funny and illustrative. I have this whole coffee set up in this hotel room where I could have had dead soldier wine bottles. And for the record, I really don't mind cheap coffee, but I don't like paying five dollars for it, and drink it looking at my defeated french press which could make good coffee for a fraction of the price.
Anyway, I've put off sleep long enough. Hope everyone has a good sober day/night.
In Gratitude
B