Hi I am new on here i have an addict ex partner and i am so hurt right now.
Heres my short story:
Met 3 years ago fell pregnant and we have a 2 year old child. I was occasional cocaine user before we met just did it at parties every now and then, then i met him and we used together sometimes but never i would of suspsected he had a problem. When we met he was in relationship but said they werent happy and that he was going to end it at that stage we were just texting until he left her we didnt do nothing then i obviously moved in with him and we were so happy but then falling pregnant obviiusly drug use or drinking was no longer allowed he would ocassionaly have drinks but was doing pretty well. Then when i was few months pregnant he started loosing money( he lied he lost money in work etc) !but then he admitted he has gambling problem. As far as i was aware he was bad on coke and with gambling but it was all in the past.
Our child was born and then hell started i was suspecting him use but i was in denial he was really bad but always denying using i was too tired of looking after baby to argue with him then month later he never returned home and i called his father he told me he had his bank card and meant to come to his to return it instead he nearly took £2,000 that day from the account and never came back. Fast foward he would disappear every few weeks saying he was walking around sniffing on his own i would always take him back and believe he will change, he got in trouble last year because of being high but got only suspended sentence and obviously tried to recover only to get everyone off his back. I kicked him out 8 months ago and we been in touch on and off he is still usuing living with his mum who is a bad enabler lending him money doing everything for him.
He has been having our son once a week few times he woukd arrange to have him then let me down.
I also found some evidence suggesting he has been cheating on me with prostitutes( gps locations on his phone, also looking his site up on his phone one night when he disappeared again and came back next day- thats when i kicked him out for good ) but obviously denying all..
As if i havent been through so much i always hoped he will seek recovery and fight for me and his son. I have been doing nar anon online meetings since few months and was strong, he would lie he is doing great does not need na etc as he can go cold turkey and would do anything to lie about usuing in order for me to keep an open mind on fixing our relationship and being a family.
Usually i would hear from him often obviously weekends i would not as he would be usuing but this time i have heard nothing at all since 2 weeks. I know its stupid but usually he would text me his praniid thgoughts, agressive messages then begging to take him back. This time nothing.
Last conversation we had was him saying how he wants to see his son more and now 2 weeks later he has not bothered to ask about his son or ask to see him!
My gut is telling me he found someone else thats why he does not bother me and doesnt bother about his child. But how could he just do this? Does he not even have a little bit of love towards his child!??? Is another person more important in his life now?
I am so hurt i thiught i was doing fine i am obviously not i need to work harder on my recovery i know, nearly done my step one and need to go over these with my sponsor. I feel so hearbroken and mugged off after all i ever tried for him me and his child mean nothing. I try not to think about him but this no contact thing is killing me i feel like i will never be happy again. I feel so cold i dont think i could ever give another man a chance in my life. I know there is an issue with me as well as most of mine relationships were toxic and i always fall for the wrong type of guys so need to work on this.
Would addict ever apologise to me? Would he ever tell me why he left us in such bad way, why coudnt he just try recover if he as he always said would die for me and our child, that we are the only people who matter in his life?
And if he gets in touch about seeing his son do i let him? I dont want our boy go through this heartache ever and i just dont understand how addict can just not be bothered about the fact that he is destroying his chances of bulding relationships with his son, instead of he blames me saying i use our son as a weapon and i am in a way of their relationship when in fact i always try let him see him when he asks as i dont want to be accused of this. Once he said he wiuld be happy if i died because then he would have his son all to himself.
I just needed to vent somewhere and chose this forum after rwading so many posts and relating to many. I will continue to read in meantime if qnyone could share they ESH on if this will ever get easier i am sick off being depressed and loosing weight. I have lost 3 stone in 7 months i am always tired and family asks whats up as i am again miserable and easily get angry for no reason
What elese can i do to heal this pain i am tired of being this mess
Thank you for reading