George89

I'm lying on my bed fully clothed. I barely have the motivation to get up. My room is filthy. Sheets are unclean. Papers and unopened letters all around me. Things build up around me and I've got no control over them, seemingly so. I met a friend for lunch - it went from 'I'm not drinking' to having three pints. I came home, argued with my brother, and slept in my bed, where I am writing this now.

I have £5 to my name in my bank account, and it's midway through the month. In fact I put away £1000 in a savings account, but have already taken £200 from that. The problem is that it will take 3-6 working days to come through. In the meantime I'll have to get a payday loan to have some cash.

I feel my life is a complete mess. I was planning to have a quiet day at home, tidying, organizing my papers, getting my life together and staying sober. And instead my day was sidetracked by lunch with my friend, the drinking and sleeping in bed full clothed.

Another friend texts me tonight about plans to go out. I feel guilty that I'm letting him down but I can't afford to go out more. I can't tell him how low I'm feeling or how out of control my life feels right now yet I know going out to see him and others will probably follow a predictable orientation. He may give me drugs. I'll chase the high, and it will become another regrettable evening.

So I stay home and lick my wounds, I look at the mess around me knowing that with energy and gumption I could clean everything in an hour. I could also tackle my papers. Yet, I lay here and feel so exhausted.

I don't know if alcohol is the sole problem or whether I'm an alcoholic as such. I know I'm depressed, I'm sensitive and my life is on edge. I feel low about myself. I know alcohol sends me further into that darkness and I lose my positivity. Surely this is a kind of depression. A kind of crisis that I'm in. Every time I drink I feel guilty about it, I can't enjoy it. I seem to only find the light when I'm sober now.

I'm struggling along, really struggling. I can't save money, I can't keep my place clean, I can't follow an exercise regimen. I'm a slob, a lowlife. A parasite. I spend my money on takeaway. Before it was drugs and alcohol. Now it's primarily takeaway. It's sort of taken place of my previous addictions. I spend all my goddam money on takeaway.