Katzen

My husband's parents were alcoholics. Very functional, dad a ceo, mom a teacher, but as soon as they came home from work they started drinking. Weekends they drank all day long. They weren't abusive or violent, but the alcohol made them giddy, silly, and he never invited friends over because they never hid their drinking, bottle sitting on the coffee table, being poured from often, he found his parents embarrassing so he vowed never to be like them.

Lots of his family members drank too much, Thanksgivings and Christmases almost all the adults got silly drunk. One reason he went to college hundreds of miles away, then stayed away and would only visit them perhaps once every 5 years or if there was a wedding or funeral.

I met husband 18 1/2 years ago, became a couple 6 months later. He treats me like a princess, and if he knew how much I was drinking I'd know he'd be supportive, but I'd have a flaw he really hated. I never lied to him, I just didn't tell him I was drinking so much and because I managed to get over it I don't feel the need to tell him. So long as I never relapse into binge drinking and I never have a medical emergency, I want to put it in my past. Reason I posted here was I felt the need to be totally honest with someone, and I felt some people here could relate without being too judgmental.

For years we rarely drank, maybe one unique cocktail or wine at a restaurant or champagne at New Years. Never ever saw him drunk, he loathed drunks. Perhaps 5 years ago his friend died, he bought a bottle of bourbon but only had a couple drinks with juice the next few nights (at most 2 oz total). He said he felt the urge to drink, but because he hated his family's drinking so much he refused to drink more than a couple. And he never has.

He started drinking about 1 bottle of bourbon a month, and I was drinking about a bottle of vodka a month, only on his week nights, but there's been times one of both of us ran out and went a week or 2 without either of us remembering to buy more, never desired it enough to make a run to the store just for booze.

My drinking got out of control due to endometriosis pain. I noticed the nights I had a couple drinks I was able to numb the pain a bit and fall asleep more easily. So I started having a couple every night. Then more during the day. I tried rx painkillers, they made me feel impaired. OTC painkillers did nothing, both rx and OTC sleep aids made me drowsy all the next day. With alcohol I never felt impaired, just a bit more relaxed, probably because I wasn't drinking a huge amount at a time, and there were many days I abstained because I ran out and didn't feel addicted enough to make a trip to the store for it. Alcohol became my "pain medicine" that I believed was safe because I was getting monthly complete blood work (due to my endo) and anything related to liver function was always fine.

But eventually I realized I wasn't drinking to control pain anymore, most of my pain was gone. I was drinking due to anxiety after we moved to a new home, and did so during the day because eventually I needed to drink or I'd get the shakes, I was devoted to quitting. Tapered off by adding water to the bottle each day, until it was then 99% water,I was done.

I never really liked the taste anyway, didn't crave it all, it was just a medicine to me that somehow became a physical addiction. Just like I refused to use rx painkillers, rx or OTC sleep aids ever again because of the way they'd made me feel, I never want to feel the shaky addiction to alcohol ever again.

The night I drank a couple days ago was actually Wednesday (I had posted Thursday, oops). Thursday I had no desire at all, same today. I won't be drinking anymore of that vodka, I'm actually dieting, stopped drinking soda and juice (that was what I usually mixed with vodka to cover the taste) and now stick to water and decaf diet green tea. Only withdrawal symptom I had when first sober was complete loss of appetite (but no nausea) for around 3-4 days, drank Gatorade. We don't own a scale but my pants are at least an inch or 2 looser, so I'm continuing to diet (appetite is back but not near as strong as it used to be) so alcohol is on my no-no list.

Will I ever drink again, maybe, but never again binge drinking. Will only drink on special occasions, only wine or champagne. Next occasion I can think of is Thanksgiving and I'm confident I can stay sober until then so may have a glass of wine.

I really believe I can handle this, I don't feel real guilt for that one drink 2 nights ago because I didn't enjoy it and don't want anymore. I also have a new appreciation for life, I want to lose more weight, get healthier, eat better (esp. more veggies). I want to live long enough to see my grandkids grow up and have kids.